Can Men and Women Truly Be Friends?

I might be about to get myself in trouble here, as I certainly have friends who are of the male persuasion, but here we go, "Fasten your seatbelts, its going to be a bumpy night"...

If I'm truly truly soul searchingly honest about all my male friendships, I doubt very much that they are platonic.  There is in every case some element of attraction there.  And, I'll go as far as to say, I suspect this is true of all male/female friendships.  

First, before you raise your hands in descent, let me define "friend".   I don't mean someone that you're happy chatting with when they happen to be around.  By friend, I mean someone you share personal details with, someone you call up for a chat, someone you hang out with just the two of you. 

But still, "Wait!", I hear you cry, I definitely have friends, as you define as above, that I'm not attracted to.  But here's the thing.  The attraction doesn't have to be on your side, it can be on either side to make it work.  After all, we all enjoy a little attention.  Finally, you cry with a whimper, "But they are in a relationship!"  Don't kid yourself, being in a relationship, happy or not, doesn't stop you being attracted to people.  Stop and think about it for a bit, and be truly truly honest.  

The thing is, I think males and females are fundamentally different.  Different enough that the friendship doesn't work unless lubricated by a little attraction.  For example, I definitely know guys that I have stuff in common with, but with whom I haven't tried to pursue a friendship with.  I've been asking myself why, and I think it simply comes down to the fact that I can't imagine sitting down and chatting with them for a long period of time.  Even though we have things in common, men and women approach how we get from topic A to topic B in different ways, the social glue is just different.  You only have to compare lunch conversations you would have with a group of guys versus lunch conversations you would have with a group of girls to understand what I mean.  When its just my males colleagues we/they talk about external events, what politician said what, who won the snooker, who's going to do well in the world cup, some kind of mammoth feat of driving really fast or long.  I sit there trying to piece together what little scraps of information I know about these things to join in, or if I'm lucky, find enough to direct the conversation elsewhere.  With my female colleagues it's all more personal, what's going on with their partners, their friends, their houses, ok, and the cliche, what handbag/dress do you think I should buy?  These things I find infinitely easier to relate to.  Somehow, whether it is a societal construct or not it, the end result is, it is just different stuff that makes us tick. 

Yet throw some attraction in the mix and it is a whole different story!  Wether we like to admit it or not our basic instinct in life is to procreate, and faced with a possible mate, we suddenly develop a whole new level of interest in the other person.  Getting from topic A to topic B is no longer a problem.  We want to know, what kind of pet they had growing up?  What side of the bed do they sleep on?  What food can they not stand?  All the stuff we are usually not interested in suddenly becomes fascinating when we are attracted to someone.  I've had people describe this to me as a flirting dance.  Sometimes  the dance will end in a relationship, sometimes nothing, and sometimes when you are a match, but not quite enough of one, you become friends instead.  

So how do these friendships work?  Generalising grandly there are two main categories I see them falling into.  Either you are both attracted to each other physically, but the personality is not enough of a match to enjoy spending a lot of time together, i.e. you probably enjoy flirting with each other but are equally happy to say goodbye.  Or secondly, your personality is a match but one side is attracted and the other not.  In which case the friendship works as one person enjoys the attention and the other giving it.

So this begs the question, is it ok?  I think for the most part it is.  I certainly value my male friendships.  And aside from the fact that I concur with my Grandmother's once given wisdom, that there is nothing wrong with a little flirting, I value them also because they give another perspective on things.  One which is often invaluable, not least when I'm involved in another one of those flirting dances, my male friends manage to cut through to the heartbreaking truth with an ease that my female friends are not able to do.

The problem though is that from time to time the line in these friendship can blur, and it can be heartbreaking when it does.  Sometimes for whatever reason one person's needle of attraction tips too far.  I have personally been involved in one of these needle tipping friendships, and while it was heartbreaking for him, it also screwed with my head.  For a while I lost a friend, I didn't know how to behave anymore, I blamed myself for leading him on, I second guessed everything he or I did.  We've healed now and are still friends, time and distance have helped, but it has made me a little bit more cautious, and a little bit more honest about my friendships.

  

Yet surprisingly, despite all these muddy waters, I still believe the answer to my original question, "Can Men and Women truly be friends?", is Yes!   As sometimes you find a friendship where for whatever reason you can be secure in the knowledge the needles will never tip, and despite the attraction, you can treat each other plain and simply as a friend.  If this is the case, you should congratulate yourself for navigating the perilous seas and pay homage to the  bermuda triangle you are in, as it is truly a rare and beautiful place.